Major Nostalgia

I had to include this picture of my niece, Sydni, because it fits the description of what I feel most nostalgic about at home. Because I have never lived away from my hometown, I guess I never knew what the feeling of nostalgia really would be. I know the definition of the word, and how it's used in literature, and the typical characteristics of it...but all of that is very different from the actual feeling. The context of life changes things so much. When 100% comfortable with my surroundings, I had such different daily concerns and distractions. I didn't realize how much my daily life revolved around very normal moments like the one above...Syd lounging at my mom's, watching her favorite cartoons. These moments, as opposed to the hugely exciting ones with friends and family, seem to be the ones that reminded me each day that the planets were still aligned and life was okay.

The complexities of making a move are tenfold. There are so many different things happening at one time, that I feel a lot of the time like I'm short circuiting. Now that I've been picked up and plopped in completely new surroundings, I'm facing the question of who I really am, my likes and dislikes, my petpeeves, my desires. And because I made this move all on my own, and I'm basically starting out at ground zero, it forces me to look at every situation from a truly singular standpoint. No longer do I have my family and friends from years past, walking beside me, sharing in my experiences. In addition to facing myself, though, I'm also facing new people. What people do I want to invite into my life? Do I have the choice? Most importantly, do I have the right to be picky at a time like this when I'm alone? Then there are the very very real concerns...school and work. Again, very new environments and dynamics. I have found graduate school to be a very lonely experience. While undergrads tend to accentuate the social aspect of everything, graduate students all seem to be too busy--rightfully so because it is a huge workload. But, I see life as a series of tiers...you have to have your foundation and build up from there. My foundation has always been my own place in my community of friends and family. So, I'm feeling very inept in school and work because I feel I have no foundation--or a very shakey one. Every morning when I wake up, I think about stuff that I never thought about before...it was all such a given.

I would go to school, knowing that I could call my friend Becky at a break and schedule a quick dinner with her. Or, while working at the Academic Resource Center, I would conveniently speak about Dairy Queen and my friend, Chris, who was the best eating buddy ever, would add that DQ would only be good if there was some DiCarlo's Pizza beforehand; so, we would go get those two things and enjoy some time just chilling and laughing. Over the summer, my friend Kelly and I were the old fogies who enjoyed hanging at the Center Market for a dinner of Coleman's Fish. When I had the time, I could call my brother or sister's house and go see the kids...on a whim...it didn't have to be planned. And, of course, I would always return at the end of the night, knowing the porch light would be on and my bed would be there waiting for me.

There are just so many things to think about and not enough time to explore and feel more at home here. It feels like an extended vacation. And these different circumstances make me feel alienated from myself in a very strange way. For instance, normally, as mentioned above, I enjoy the spontaneity of life...the unexpected moments are so great. But, because I'm lacking that feeling of security that I had for so very long, I instead crave structure and plans--so I can be reassured that I'm not alone and that this life is going to feel like home again. So I'm not even really acting as I'm used to...and it's these gut reactions that totally throw me off because not only are my surroundings alien...I am. Strange, I know...but it's the only way I can describe it.

I'm confident that all of these issues will be remedied with time. I would compare this time, though, to a time when a manufacturer decides to stop making a product that has become a huge part of your routine--clothes, shoes, face/hair products. You no longer have the old, so you have no choice but to use the new; but, it's a struggle to adjust. I guess it's challenges such as these that make us who we are. So, I'm now off to remind myself that I will make it here in Bryn Mawr and do some exploring.