In Search of Life (Part IV)

November 21st finally rolled around. To find out if I was, indeed, pregnant, I would have to go up to Magees for a beta blood test. They measure your hCG blood level to determine whether or not you are pregnant--this is the same hormone that home pregnancy tests use but blood levels are more reliable. Many women will actually buy and take pregnancy tests at home before this test. I was too afraid of getting a negative and, frankly, could not look at one more negative test. Having never seen a positive, I didn't want to do anything to jinx this round of trying.

My mom and I drove up to Magees early that morning. I took her for company on the drive, but I couldn't even speak. Only after the fact, she told me she thought I had tested and knew it was negative. The car ride was tense. I had a lump in my throat the entire time, and my mind could not manage actual thoughts. For one of the only times I recall, my mind was truly blank. After the blood draw, we headed back home and the wait for the call from the nurse with results commenced.  

I dropped my mom off then wandered after that like a blank mind does. I drove to Oglebay, parked by the lodge and stared at the gray sky, breathing--in, out, in, out. After sitting there for some time, I panicked. What if my reception on my phone wasn't good enough?! I needed to make my way back down towards my home. But, I couldn't bear to go home and sit--I had done that too many tries before and it didn't seem like the best luck. So, I moved to the other local park. I drove up the only hill in Wheeling Park, and I sat staring at the turkey buzzards floating around and around and around in the sky. I finally went home, hugged my dogs for a while, and then I went to my upstairs and literally laid on my back on the floor. More staring blankly. 

Close to 3pm--what seemed like an eternity after the early morning blood draw--the call came through. I remember staring out the window, barely breathing as the nurse greeted me over the phone. I think my mind was trying to decipher whether her hello seemed like one that would precede good or bad news. The next thing I heard her say was this: "Congratulations, you are very pregnant." I immediately burst into tears like I never have before. I was so shocked that I could barely find my voice. I recall saying to her, half crying and half hyperventilating, "This is the best news I've gotten in my life." She explained that with the first beta blood test, they look for a value of anything over 5--my value was 1,915. Thus, the reference to very pregnant. She was shocked I had not tested and had no idea until that moment--most women cannot make the wait. I hung up and of course began making calls to let family know. That day and the ones after were like slow motion for me. A strange but new reality that I didn't fully trust.

The journey had scarred me, so I did begin immediately worrying over every single thing. Was there such a thing as a too high hCG level? What could it mean? Would I make it through the delicate first trimester? The same racing mind remained, just a different and new set of questions.

Despite this, I did manage to fully drink in the miraculous fruits of my journey. Dr. Menke had warned me going into the transfer that she estimated I had a 30% chance of success. Working against that other 70% is no joke. The mental fight alone is exhausting, let alone the physical one. But, I had crossed that line to the other side, and I was ready for the new challenges of pregnancy.