Makin' Dad Proud

So, I think parents, in general, fully believe that their kids are incapable, to a certain age, of thinking logically about matters of safety. I also think that I definitely fit into this classification until I was forced out on my own. Now, I am borderline neurotic at times, but I think that's more life-preserving than the former. In any case, as I prepare for another trip home, this time roughing the PA turnpike, only the most responsible things are coming to mind: I should get new windshield wiper blades, I will get my oil changed at home, I better fill my wiper fluid with the de-icer stuff, etc. How does this happen? My brain has officially gone from full-time fun mode to adult concern mode without me even recognizing the changeover.

Anyhow, my huge Saturday feat resulted from such thoughts this week. It was a beautiful day here yesterday (until 40 mph winds hit), so I wanted to do something outside, knowing the rest of my day would be spent indoors reading. So, I decided to go to KMart in Wayne, which happens to also be the first Philadelphia retail experience I had. Anyhow, I went there to get some stuff to clean the inside of my car. When I entered the Auto department, however, I went crazy over those things I named above that may make my trip home a bit more safe. I got the essentials, and I felt so proud because I even found the right size wiper blades to replace my old ones. Then, the unthinkable happened...I came home, and I put my own wiper blades on! Back home, I would drive to the Advanced Auto Parts store, have a man find the right size blades, and have that same man install the blades. I would always observe how incredibly easy it seemed to remove the old and click the new into place, but did this EVER motivate me to get them on my own? Of course not.

Bad Press

As you all know, I do not make a habit of regularly writing on politics. In fact, I virtually never make it the only focus within any blog, conversation, etc., because I am no expert. The absurdities that have come about as a result of this particular combination of politicians, in the particular administration, though, has been one that goes down in history. This past week is only the most recent of a chain of administrative bloopers.

Poor Dick Cheney was just going out to have some fun hunting when the fates decided to test his hunting abilities. The fates' question: Should you be hunting quail, and one seems to resemble your friend, what do you do? Apparently, Cheney's answer was: Well, pull the trigger of course. Granted, there are many such hilarities about this situation, and many jokes have surfaced as a result of the situation; but, it is a serious situation since a man's life was in the balance for some time. I was getting used to the comments here and there about it, but I have to admit, at this point, that I'm tired of the constant rehashing and further investigation on the media's part.

Time Magazine, in the February 27th issue, has a "Reconstruction of Events" from the hunting trip. I've seen several other magazines at work with covers about it, I've seen news reports still dissecting each moment of the event itself, subsequent events, and everything else Cheney. My problem with this, of course, exists for several reasons. I'll just highlight a few.

1) Elsewhere in the world, there's a war going on, there's a state of emergency in the Philippines, there's nukes data being offered by Iran, and countless other newsworthy events. But, our media continues to highlight not only an old story, but one that in the bigger scheme of things holds little value to the American people.

2)Dick Cheney foibled...so what? Don't all humans do this? Do we all get a spot on the national news for doing so? No...know why? Because it's not important--at least not on the national news level.

3)There's been this move, most noticeable to me, over the past years from news about our political goings on to a very personal version of the same. It's like in order to get people to read, the media thinks they can add an element of drama and have that be their answer to bad ratings. Due to human curiosities, that seems to have worked because people are reading and watching. But, this case points out how much this devalues our news sources. I don't want all Dick Cheney all the time...I want to know about the serious events of the world that may have an impact on my life. Will the recovery of Harry Whittington do this?

Until Americans demand better media, we will not get it. And, unfortunately, it seems to only be getting worse as time progresses. I've been forced to reminisce about my days of Bugs Bunny cartoons and particularly the "It's duck season, no it's wabbit season" debate between Daffy and Bugs after each and every mention of Cheney and his hunting accident. I'm sure there's something more serious about his, oh I don't know, Vice Presidency that they could dig up. And the feeling I get nowadays almost everytime I open a magazine, newspaper, or turn on CNN or another cable news network is directly articulated in the sentiments of Elmer's sign...I give up trying to find a quality source of news.

They Had it Right...

In my Modernism class (which also includes a fascinating group called the French Decadents), we're learning about the shift from a purely objective reality to a split between the objective and subjective self (William James). What these two groups, the Modernists and Decadents, also advocated was this belief in absorbing the present moment, which in and of itself will end in a definitive death, separating it from the next moment. The message is basically that each moment can hold a very unique experience of life.

I've done some study in this area in the past, and one of my favorite authors, Virginia Woolf, expanded on this idea through her stream of consciousness novel form. This all said, I have to believe that these people stumbled upon perhaps one of the most important psychological and temporal developments in thinking of our time. Why? Well, what's the good in ignoring what you can get out of the now, only to experience the nostalgia attached to past events that cannot be recovered or future moments that may never materialize?

The reason I have been thinking of this idea so much is because I realize when people go through change or are in transition, it's very easy to get ahead of yourself and, perhaps even more often, look to the past for comfort. But, what I've realized, after doing both of these myself, is that this is not living. There's much to be had within each moment, and who knows how your path can change as a result of living in this moment. So, live as they did...take in the beauty and random observations of the moment...it can't be all that bad.

Sacred Words of Jack Johnson

As I was playing the pod today, I realized how good these lyrics were. Jack Johnson says it much better than I could have...read closely for full benefit.


Breakdown

I hope this old train breaks down then I could take a walk around

See what there is to see, time is just a melody

With all the people in the street walking fast as their feet

Can take them, I just roll through town

And though my window’s got a view, well the frame I’m looking through

Seems to have no concern for now

So for now I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown

Well this engine screams out loud, centipede going to crawl westbound

So I don’t even make a sound cause it’s going to sting me when I leave this town

And all the people in the street that I’ll never get to meet If these tracks don’t bend somehow And I got no time that I got to get to where I don’t need to be

So I I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown I want to break on down

But I can’t stop now

Let me break on down

But you can’t stop nothing if you got no control

Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know

That you don’t know nothing but you don’t need to know

The wisdom’s in the trees not the glass windows

You can’t stop wishing if you don’t let go

Of the things that you find and you lose and you know

You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold

Because the frame’s too bright, so put the blinds down low

I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown I got to break on down

But I can’t stop now

Next Please...

There are some lyrics from one of Dido's songs that talk about her life "being for rent." For the past week or so, I've been thinking of these lyrics a lot because there is an essential truth within them. Due to some circumstances that some know about and some don't, I feel more than ever that my life is for rent. It's a bunch of time and space that has been allotted to me, and it's up to me what I do with it. I think I've known this for quite awhile, but a recent event just made me start thinking more seriously about it.

I'm not sure why, but it seems that American culture has teased out the element of fun and enjoyment that can be a vital part of one's working experience. My goal at this point is to reincorporate that fun and excitement into my career goals. Why do something that's boring and run-of-the-mill? Because it's accepted? Because it's easiest to attain? Those are huge factors, I believe, in most peoples' minds.


I've decided to take this phase of my life and reconstruct and reimagine my future (career goals, aspirations, etc.). My move to Philadelphia has opened my mind to so very many possibilities, and I now see how easy it is to enjoy life. I will hold these lessons close as I move on because I believe them to be keys to happiness. But, what I've realized I need is a momentary pause to do some soul searching. I am not where I want to be with a lot of things, so the only way to remedy this is kick life down a gear and take the time to figure things out. No one else can do this for me, and I've begun to see how I've taken ownership of interests and passions that are not truly my own...they're those that have happened to be projected on me for most of my life. They're not necessarily bad...they're just not mine. What I have discovered is that there are things that I truly desire, and the more I make those things a part of my life, the happier I am. In addition, and perhaps most importantly...I guess I want to have the best career I can, but I'm seeing that there are so many other important elements of life. This will be a rocky next few months...but maybe exciting, too.

Who knew that John Mayer had valid song material with talk of a quarterlife crisis?!

A Question

What the heck are we here for? Ever wonder this? Some days, more than others, this question is first and foremost in my mind. Today happens to be one of those days.

Lovin' Kids

At my Borders job, I have acquired a new official post of sorts...a kids' bookseller. The beginnings of this job were not the best times. I felt very overwhelmed by all of the different breakdowns within the sections, and I was not up on my Independent Reader and Young Adult selections; so, parents and grandparents would be throwing titles and authors at me, expecting me to know off of the top of my head what was going on with them, and I was clueless. (Peter who? Ohhhhh, Peter Pan...of course!) That is a slight exaggeration, but you get the idea. In fact, one of my earliest comments to a friend was, "I hate kids" *awkward silence* "Not the people but the section."

But, since then, I happily report to have completed a major shift in opinion. Now, I absolutely love my kids' time. I grow nostalgic as I shelve the books and games, and I adore the kids who come into the section...well, most of them. I acquired a favorite tonight as I was shelving, and this little boy approached me, crying silently yet very hard. I went into a panic, thinking that he had lost his mother or something. So, I asked, and between adorable little gasps for air, he said he was sad because he couldn't get his book. Just so cute.

I Heart iTunes

I decided to do some purchasing of music yesterday on iTunes and it reminded me of the incredible perks of buying music this way--like being able to sample each and every song on a disc before buying. But, even more, I got two really great albums that I just had to write about today. The first is James Blunt's Back to Bedlam. I think this man is my new music love, and he may be the first to bump my lifelong obsession with Dave Matthews back a couple of notches. This album is incredible. He's one of the few artists who can put together both a great beat with very meaningful and good lyrics. This really means something because a friend and I were just talking last week how, if you're paying attention to a song's lyrics, how you can pick up on a kind of half effort in weak rhymes. Granted, it's sort of entertaining to find those types of things, but I think James Blunt really creates a new level with which the music world will have to contend.


The other purchase that I made which I am loving is Jack Johnson's In Between Dreams. The reason I looked into his albums is because people have been coming into Borders, raving about the new Curious George soundtrack, which Jack Johnson does with some others. I sampled the soundtrack and it did not particularly appeal to my tastes, however his album (the first I mentioned) is fantastic. What he and Blunt both offer is a fresh sound. There are so many artists to enjoy out there, I just love having iTunes to take full advantage of this.

And as a funny aside, I have to mention the fact that I watched the end of Napoleon Dynamite last night, which has a song by When in Rome, called "The Promise," from the 80s. I immediately ran to iTunes after watching the credits to see if I could get it, but the good version (I think the original) is only available on the soundtrack, and you have to buy it in full to get that song. What a great song, though! Gotta love good 80s songs...I was obviously a child during that decade and am just catching up on what was available.

Adventures at Market East

After my first official venture into Center City alone, I have to tell a story. This is a rather funny story, but one that shows how things always have a way of coming back to you--sometimes the turn-style just moves a little too quickly, catching one off-guard.

Last night, I took the 8:22 train into the city to visit a friend. I was somewhat nervous about doing so because I wasn't sure what to expect. I had to disembark at Market East, the one downtown station I had not yet used, and it was a sort of odd hour of night to travel alone. Because the snow has majorly messed up already detestable parking conditions downtown, a couple of friends said they'd pick me up outside of one of the station exits, thus avoiding the parking havoc. So, I called to report the R5 was for once on time and that I had just arrived at the station. I went upstairs to wait for my ride, and a man, who was not all homeless yet not all normal in appearance, asked me, "You're a regular train person, right?" How does a novice respond to this?

1) "No. Please take full advantage of my lack of city skills." or...
2) "Yes. So, I know I shouldn't even be responding to you."

I, like the naive West Virginian, revealed my secret..."I am not. I'm sorry. Did you need help finding something?" Like I could possibly be of any help in that matter! He proceeds with, "You know, I don't understand. I beg for money all day, I go to the window, begging for a ticket, no one gives me anything. If I were them, I would tell me to just take some cash, get some food, and don't show my face here again. But, that never happens. Everyday, I tell you! I mean, I went to college! I shouldn't have to do this!" Meanwhile, I stand there, stunned. He says to me, "Do you think you could pay for a ticket for me?" Knowing, at the very least, that a) I couldn't afford to treat him to the divine SEPTA service, and b) it's never good to continue such an interaction, gracefully explained that I had no money for him.

All this time, there was a "normal-looking" (aka non-homeless) female frantically digging through her bags. Just as my conversation with Man A ends, Female A asks, "Excuse me, do you have 4 quarters? I had change on me and now I just can't find it." As she asks about this, Man A glares at me, waiting for me to hand her cash. So, feeling I could be put in a very difficult spot with this man, depending on how many more seconds I had to stand there, I had to tell this poor woman that I did not have money for her. I felt horrible!

Looking back on it this morning, I just laughed. You just never know how quickly something like that can unfold. For me, it will make my first lone city travels unforgettable.

Valentine's Day Tribute to Human Love

I think it's amazing how much human beings are tuned into their natural instincts and driven by them without having any choice in it. What do I mean by this? Well, I will use love and coupling as an example, and I will be speaking from a personal standpoint, so if you happen to disagree, it's fine.

It's always amazing to me how there's this impulse that so quickly grips me when there exists a chance at love. I am such a stubborn person when it comes to giving up my personal freedom--whether it be freedom to or freedom from. But, there are times when all parts of me melt, and I find myself at the mercy of another person--usually a significant other. And the more I thought about this part of my personality, the more I realized that it has to stem somewhat from a longstanding human instinct. The human need for love is constantly discussed, but I would argue that the human need to love is just as strong. The idea of having that one other person with whom you can share anything and with whom you feel the security of forever appears unbelievably delightful to me. And sharing things with that someone, someday, such as children, even crosses my mind from time to time. Thanks to an expert on Oprah, I learned that women, moreso than men, feel incredibly afraid of being alone. I feel above this and don't think I'm afraid of it, but I do think that I desire a lifelong companion.

I'm finally learning, however, that the bigger project is not necessarily actively seeking out that ideal partner...it's teaching yourself to patiently await the arrival of that partner. Disappointment in the area of love is tough, but it at least opens up a lot of chances to learn--about yourself. One of my most recent lessons is that romantic love may be a terrific thing, but in the meantime, there are many others to love and many other ways to both express and accept love. Happy Valentine's Day, Blog world!

Kids are Funny

From the very early days of her life, I knew that Sydni would be a little soulmate for me. But, I never could have imagined what entertainment she would be. She's the first of the new generation, so I had never really had the chance, as the youngest in my family, to observe another little human growing into his or her shoes. I have been able to do this until I moved with Sydni, and I can't help by laugh when I look back.

What reminded me of how much I enjoy her sideshows were two comments she made during our past two phone conversations. Her first comment came from my simple question of what she was doing.

Comment #1: "We went to the bank because we needed money, and now we're going to breakfast." ( I thought this was fairly verbose for her 3-year-old self, so I tested her further and asked where they were going to breakfast.) "We're going to Bob Evans, and I want to see Elaine." (Elaine is her favorite Bob Evans server).

Comment #2: (Also resulting from me asking her what she was doing, but this time I asked because she was being a mute). "Aunt Courtney, I have to go because I have to eat my popcorn." (Priorities! I forgot kids could have them, too.)

I hope you all can get the same entertainment out of these as I know I have!

Trying for Balance

I've been writing some pretty off-the-cuff type of stuff lately, so I have to take today to do a more reflective entry. In this new semester and new year of my life, I've decided that my #1 priority will be balance. A lot of my happiness, even before now, originated in my ability to keep things in proportion in my life. Some people are much better at things like a lack of sleep, poor eating habits, or just more spontaneity. I, however, tend to short circuit under such conditions. There are so many opportunities, though, for me to abandon this resolve. What many don't understand about it is that I would, above all, prefer to pass up work or school work anyday in order to have some fun or just hang out. But, there are two things that prevent my being able to do it all--money and time.

The hardest part of all of this is that as others put a little pressure on, sometimes that's all it takes for me to drop what I'm needing to do in order to please and to have fun rather than isolate myself. While slips like this meant nothing in undergraduate, they can now manage to throw off an entire semester's worth of work. But, the bottom line is that graduate school is like a second full-time job for me. When I finish this brief, two year M.A. program at Villanova, I must be able to look back and convince others at a new institution that I am a competitive Ph.D. candidate for their program. I can't do this by not proving the same thing to the professors at Villanova. And I have to say I am relieved that the force of that motivation keeps me on track. Because, when it comes down to it, this is my entire future we're talking about...not a temporary vacation, not a night out, not a blowing away of a block of hours. Unfortunately, all of those things have to be put off until I accomplish my goals and secure my future.

What I hope people understand is that I have to be serious about this and it's not easy--the work, itself, or having to sacrifice my social life. I have sacrificed a lot of friendships and family relationships in order to achieve my goals, and I can't shrink in academic intensity now. So, while I may appear to be too miserly with my time to some, I hope that at least a few out there can see that I'm still able to be a good friend and worthy companion. Trust me on this: this life is no picnic, but it will pay off and I'm using my free time to enjoy what parts of it I can. Overall, I am extremely satisfied at the moment. Thanks to those who are constant support...couldn't be making it without that.

Anomalies

I was listening to a mix today, and I started some serious jamming to a song that made me realize what anomalies exist in my otherwise predictable personality. The song? Kanye West's "Goldigger". Anyone who is reading this knows that my normal lineup (Dave Matthews Band, the Decemberists, Kings of Convenience, Indigo Girls, Bob Marley, etc.) doesn't include anything even distantly resembling rap. For some reason, though, when this song comes on, I want to jam. Could it be the lyrics? The cameo by Jamie Foxx? I just find it kind of funny. Could it possibly be that I have an inner ghetto nature that has not yet surfaced? And as I ponder it, I realize that this inner ghetto started years back...as in I had to return my favorite Salt n Pepa CD when my mother heard the lyrics. Here's a top 5 for my anomalies:

1) There was a period of time when I preferred my brother's Levi's over any pair of my own.
2) Cheetos are my favorite snack...but only when I can eat them with chocolate ice cream.
3) I love to shop...that is for groceries.
4) While some sing in the shower, I prefer to dance.
5) There was a time when I wished I had a southern accent.

These are revealing enough...please feel free to share your own personality anomalies!

The Crush

I realize that when you attend an undergrad institution with two lit professors in the department, you don't really get a lot of choice on whom you will have your first official professor crush. My first real professor crush had to be a really hot male professor who taught Political Science at WJU. However, that can't count because it's not in my official field--Literature.

Now that I have arrived at Villanova, the prospects have multiplied ten times over. Whereas I had two female professors last semester, I lucked out and have two male professors this semester. I fell for both of them initially--one sports an adorable British accent with a great sense of humor while the other is somewhat reserved and pretty normal in all other ways. I realize at this point, though, that my first official grad school crush will have to be Vincent Sherry. I love his area of expertise--Modernism--and I love watching him slowly come out of his shell with the class. It was very funny because he couldn't stop laughing in class tonight as the R5 train continued to pass just about everytime we had to discuss anything sexual in class. It was like the unofficial bleep of the censors. Him laughing at that made me love him all the more.

Smart, handsome...and I guess a little more smart...these combine to make one fine professor crush.

Like This

As I scanned the CNN News website today, I came across the announcement of Betty Friedan's death. It made me think for a minute about how cool people like her can be...just fascinating characters. For those who may not recognize her name, she was the author of a groundbreaking feminist work titled The Feminist Mystique. She was a real jetsetter when it came to feminism in America. Now, I know that not everyone can fully appreciate radical types of representation...feminism, ultra-politics, ethics, etc. However, I think all figures in those areas can be seen as pretty successful in a general light. Here's what I mean...

To find one's niche in life is great. But, to become a leader in that area, and a well-respected leader, is pretty fantastic. What this means is one both gets to love what they do in life and leave an indelible mark on society. In Betty Friedan's case, there may be many who never respect her work in feminism, but there will be just as many people who swear by it. And even better, there will be people like me who have to rely on her expertise, left behind in only the written form now, in order to complete their own lines of research. What the article on Betty Friedan made me see is that I want to be successful the way she was...I want to do something that I both whole-heartedly believe in and feel passionate about, and I want to do it well, standing out amongst the rest of my colleagues (whomever they may be). What a fulfilling life that would be.

More Crazy

After having a late night breakfast with two Temple ladies, I've decided that Villanova cheats me out of one very important element of Philadelphia--more crazies. The stories these two had about the characters who they encounter on a daily basis while attending classes at Temple were incredibly entertaining. Guys in long black coats who stand watch then compare the passing students to snowflakes, people telling stories of bullets that end up in the doors of their cars...and the list goes on. I have nothing, considering my entertainment at Villanova consists of my inability to chuck my yoga pants for upscale style and feeling sad as I, in my Hyundai Accent, pass all of the undergrads who drive BMW SUVs and the like. I truly need to visit the city more often because I'm obviously missing out on some pure entertainment.

I'd like to believe I make up for the lack of entertainment in my observation of Borders proceedings...